I demand tomatoes!!

01:31 pm - Well FINALLY!!!

You humans FINALLY did something right! You elected someone who is BLACK and WHITE!!! JUST LIKE ME!!! SEEEE!!!!



P.S. I WANT INAUGURATION TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!!!

05:56 pm - I HATE MOMMY!!!

ONCE AGAIN she updated for JACKIE and NOT ME!!! IT IS NOT FAIR!!!

Jackie FINALLY figured out how to use the Care Bears cozy! IT TOOK HIM LONG ENOUGH!!!! Now the cuddle cup is MINE MINE ALL MINE HA HA HA HA HA!!! And his FILTHY STINKY POOP GOOP is NOT in MY BED!!! HA HA HA!!!

10:38 am

As my dear deceased husband would say...

...VOTE FOR PEOPLE WHO AREN'T HITLERS!!!!

Current Mood: angry

03:47 pm

Halloween Meme

agateway swoops on anyaluvsbacon and drains their brains

anyaluvsbacon devours the entire neighbourhood's cutlery

cantstopthedawn buries likoura at the crossroads with a sock through their heart

cavywench shows up with burning torches, pitchforks and dip

charlyblue sacrifices cantstopthedawn's candy

eljuno dresses up as portlyportia

fancypanda TPs saraannette

jackiethewacky summons the undead armies of agateway to steal your candy

jeshala eats charlyblue's spicy, spicy brains.

likoura puts apples in your razorblades

mammabear66 puts fake eyeballs in your gerbils

mslaynie creates an unholy monstrosity from mammabear66, mslaynie and likoura

onescaratatime runs around screaming for hours until abruptly silenced by eljuno, wielding a sharpened gerbil

portlyportia puts real eyeballs in your Wings Greatest Hits

saraannette carves cavywench's effigy in the medium of socks

LJ Name

10:55 pm - WELL!!

Mommy BROKE her PokeNav computer JUST to annoy me!!! HOW am I supposed to write in my LIVEJOURNAL??? Well, NOW that she has it back, I can finally update everyone on my life!

JACKIE has come up with a stupid game called "DRIVE MOMMY CRAZY"!!! He likes to RUN INTO ME at TOP SPEED!!! And since he's SO FAT that is really QUITE painful!! I have tried SCREAMING at him but he is TOO dumb to understand a thing I say!! I am REALLY jealous of THAT VAMPIRE right now since he has such an AWESOME ear-stealing son and DOESN'T DESERVE HIM!!!

Also that BITCH queenraynapiggy has CANCER!! Oink oink oink!!

I need to update my interests list!

11:56 am - STUPID MOMMY!!!

Mommy has this STUPID idea that I have HEART problems and I'm going to DIE!! WELL I DON'T AND I WON'T!!! That should be enough for Mommy, but NOOOO, she has to CUDDLE me and PET me and KISS me and talk about TAKING ME TO THE VET!!! Well if I HAVE heart problems, should she take me to the EVIL VET to be MOLESTED?!? I THINK NOT!!!!

Current Mood: angry

06:04 pm - I HATE YOU JACKIE!!

I HATE THAT STINKING JACKIE!!! The other day he would NOT stop trying to HUMP me!!! He chased me AROUND and AROUND the cage and kept trying to CLIMB ON ME to carry out his SICK OEDIPAL FANTASIES YUCK YUCK YUCK oink oink oink GRRRRRRRRRoinkoinkoinkGRRRRR!!!!

Current Mood: uncomfortable

11:53 pm - I HATE THAT VAMPIRE!!!

It's not ENOUGH that he's an annoying EMBARRASSMENT to the NAME of VAMPIRE!!! No, he has to have a SON who is MUCH cooler than the creep I gave birth to!!! HIS son BEATS people UP and TAKES their EARS!!! All MINE does is SMELL BAD and HIT ON ME!!!! I REALLY wouldn't have minded if someone had KIDNAPPED MY son!!! Instead, NO, I have to LIVE with mine!!! WHY can't I live with CONNOR instead?! He's SOMEWHAT less CREEPY and he PROBABLY isn't QUITE so STINKY as JACKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: infuriated

04:41 pm - WHAT IS WITH THESE PIGS!!!

FIRST stupid ASHES up and died, and now FATTY PORTIA!!! Well FIRST she got a BIG STINKY ABSCESS ON HER FACE and THEN it turned into a BIG STINKY HOLE IN HER FACE!!! With CHUNKY PUS and BLOOD!!! YUCK!!! Then MOMMY would CLEAN OUT her face and so I'd have to listen to her SCREECH and then PUSFACE PORTIA would come back to the cage and RUB HER FACE COOTIES on EVERYTHING!!! YUCK!!!

Well NOW she's DEAD!!! WHAT AN IDIOT!!! I woke up this morning and she was DEAD!!! How could she be so MEAN to Mommy?! What a BITCH!!!

And what about ME?! NOW I have to LIVE with JACKIE and there's NOBODY ELSE to DISTRACT HIM from my BUTT!!! PUDGY PORTIA could have THOUGHT of that before she decided to UP AND DIE!!!!! HOW SELFISH!!!!!

And who will I talk to about STUPID LITTLE CREEPS THAT CRAWL OUT OF YOUR WOMB AND RUIN YOUR LIFE?!?! Only PORTIA understood, even if she was TOO DUMB to CARRY a CONVERSATION in a SHOPPING CART!!! She was at LEAST smart enough to realize that EVERYTHING I EVER SAID was ABSOLUTELY 100% CORRECT oink oink oink oink which makes her smarter than THAT MAN at least!!!!

She was a GOOD pet rock and I HATE her for DYING!!! GRRRRRRRROINKGRRRR!!!!

Everyone is just trying to be like my HUSBAND anyway by DYING YOUNG!!!!!!!



NOW what will I do with all this ELIZA DUSHKU PORN in the corner?!?

Current Mood: angry

11:13 am - GRRR

My SO CALLED "NUMBER ONE FAN" is playing MUSIC!!! It's by the WHITE STRIPES!!!

I HATE MUSIC!!! I HATE THE WHITE STRIPES!!! I HATE STRIPES!!! JACKIE HAS STRIPES!!!!!! I AM PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!

Current Mood: pissed off

06:18 pm - IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

I am FINALLY getting the chance to update my livejournal after that TWIT Anya hogged the computer last night!!! What's she got to say that's so important, anyway? "I love bacon, I hate bunnies, blah de blah de blah". WHO CARES?! It's not like she puts her journal to good use like I do!! I write haiku!!! And I have insightful commentary on the issues of the day!! All she does is look up at you funny with her head tilted! WHAT A FREAK!!!

That stupid impostor Ashes has been sick. She had better stop it because she's hogging all my mommy's attention!! It's all, feed Ashes, medicate Ashes, take Ashes to the vet! What about me?? I have needs too! I need tomatoes! And carrots! And I believe my mommy bought a 4 pound box of strawberries and I have not seen ONE SINGLE STRAWBERRY yet!! What's up with that?!? And Mommy is ALWAYS giving Ashes PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT like GRAPE TOMATOES. And then my #1 fan is acting like EATING TOMATOES is like WINNING A NOBEL PRIZE! Like Ashes NEEDS to be praised for it!! I don't get praised for eating tomatoes, and I can eat them much better than that Ashes!

Current Mood: hot

10:47 pm - GRRR!!!

THAT MAN is playing his MUSIC GAME!!! I HATE HIM!!!

Also, MOMMY was watching THAT VAMPIRE SHOW and I AM SO MAD AT HER FOR THAT!!!

And EVEN WORSE is that THAT VAMPIRE was SINGING on the show!!! He was singing BADLY which is EVEN WORSE!!!

MY POOR EARS!!!

Current Mood: cranky

11:10 pm - I am VERY ANGRY!!!

Well, MOMMY decided to PACK ME UP AND MOVE!!! I DO NOT APPROVE!!!

I had to spend HOURS in a TINY LITTLE CARRIER in a CLOSET!!! WITH PORTIA!!!! And the CATS kept BOTHERING ME!!!!!!! Then when Mommy FINALLY took me out of the closet, she put me in the CAR!!! WITH PORTIA!!! And then she DROVE!!! I DO NOT APPROVE!!! I don't understand WHY New Jersey gave her a LICENSE!!! She is OBVIOUSLY the WORST driver EVER!!! She kept TURNING and ACCELERATING and USING THE BRAKES and it was EXTREMELY upsetting!!!!!!!!

THEN she moved me (WITH PORTIA) into ANOTHER closet, STILL with the cats!!! FINALLY I got put in my cage (the SAME cage, not an upgrade!!!) WITH PORTIA!!! and then MY STUPID CREEPY SON MOVED IN WITH ME TOO!!!!!!!! I thought I was RID of him!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

PLUS the CATS seemed to have moved with us, AND THAT MAN!!!!! I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! WHY couldn't Mommy take the opportunity to get RID of some of those horrible PEOPLE?!

And YESTERDAY Mommy put BLUE STUFF on my BUTT!!! HOW RUDE!!! I do NOT have SKIN BUGS!!! THAT WAS PORTIA!!!

And to make life WORSE, there's a NEW KATAMARI GAME!!!!!!!

Current Mood: infuriated

09:29 pm

MY MOMMY has found a NEW vampire show to watch!! It isn't as bad as Angel YET, but I am ON MY GUARD against that prissy vampire HENRY!!! What kind of STUPID name is HENRY for a VAMPIRE?? And he has SQUINTY EYES!!! Hopefully Mommy will NOT have the hots for him so I will not have to hate his vampire guts!!! Also he hasn't killed a lot of vampires so I feel a bit safer than I did seeing that EXCESSIVELY FOREHEAD-ENDOWED TWIT named ANGEL!!! P.S. MY MOMMY IS AN ATHEIST SO SHE SHOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IN ANGELS!!!! GRRRROINKOINKOINKOINK!!!!

Anyway, this show is from BOOKS and I know just what to do with BOOKS if I don't like them! I have to EAT THEM and PEE ON THEM, and if they're LUCKY BOOKS, I'll do it in THAT ORDER!!!!! OINK OINK OINK GRRRR FEAR ME OINK OINK OINK EARS OINK GRRR!!!!

08:29 am

Zzzzzz--what? Oh... grrr....hate! Hate, hate, grr, grr, grr.

Current Mood: sleepy

10:31 am - Portia is DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

All she ever does is RUMBLE and WAGGLE her BUTT and try to PUT THE MOVES ON ME!!!!! I wish she would SIT DOWN and SHUT UP!!! GRRRRROINKOINKOINK!!!!!! If she wants sex THAT BADLY why doesn't she just WAVE HER BUTT at JACKIE!!! Then I would have to see and hear them COPULATING which would be REPULSIVE but then they'd LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

At least MOMMY and MY #1 FAN now UNDERSTAND that Portia is GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE!!!!!!! I SWEAR, if she doesn't BACK OFF, I'm going to EXSANGUINATE HER THROUGH THE RAGGED STUMPS OF HER EARS OINK OINK OINK GRRRR OINK OINK GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR TAKE THAT YOU FAT HORNY BITCH!!!!!!

Oh, and MOMMY!!! I lie in my PEE all the time because IT'S WARM and this stupid room is FREEZING COLD!!! So TURN UP THE HEAT ALREADY!!!!!! OINK OINK OINK OINK!!! Let me explain it in the form of a HAIKU!!!

Hot, squishy urine
Cradles me in welcome warmth
In this freezing room

SO THERE!!!

Current Mood: cold

06:12 pm - OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday for SOME reason, a BIG PIECE OF HAY got in my EYE!!! It had NOTHING to do with BEATING UP ON PORKY PORTIA!!!!! And NO my eyes were NOT bigger than my stomach!!!!!!!!

As if THAT wasn't BAD ENOUGH, when MOMMY saw it, she took me to the VET!!!! HOW DARE SHE?!? Doesn't she KNOW that the WORST thing to do for eye problems is go to the VET?! I mean, DUH, I had something in my eye, what does the vet do?? PUT MORE STUFF IN MY EYE!!!!!!!!!! PAINT!!!!!!! Then she gave Mommy EYEDROPS to give me!! This is UNREASONABLE!!!!! These are the SAME eyedrops that that little white CREEP used to get in his NOSE!!! ANYTHING THAT GOES IN MY SON'S NOSE HAS NO PLACE IN MY EYE OINK OINK OINK GRRRR!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I felt better once that whole ORDEAL was OVER, although it's kind of hard to SEE!!!!!!! This means that PORKY PORTIA could be UP TO NO GOOD and I wouldn't KNOW unless she was on my RIGHT SIDE!!!!!!!! I had better use my VAMPIRE SENSES to keep an EYE on her!!!!!!!

Current Mood: sore

06:43 pm - NOT AGAIN!!!

MOMMY was watching THE STUPID VAMPIRE SHOW again!!! I AM SO MAD AT HER!!!

07:33 pm - HAIKU OF HATRED

ARGH! I hate That Man!
Playing his christmas music,
Getting on my nerves!

That vampire Angel
Is stealing my mommy's heart
With his stupid show!

My dumb, smelly son
Is much much fatter than me
So make HIM diet!

The cat's near my cage!
He wants to eat all my hay
And my lovely ears!

Portia's in my house
Peeing on Carefresh and hay
She's stealing my job!

Mommy, make them stop!
Everyone's pissing me off!
Clearly they are wrong!

09:13 pm - I HATE SONGS!!!! ESPECIALLY COMPUTER-GENERATED ONES!!!!!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, suzi_queue sent to me...

Twelve more tomatoes wheeping

Eleven opinions whining

Ten ears a-drinking

Nine carrots arguing

Eight tomatoes a-screaming

Seven arguments a-squealing

Six naps oinking

Five be-e-e-ell peppers

Four tormenting cuddles

Three chewing phones

Two having opinions

...and a hay in a being bossy.

Get your own Twelve Days: